"Recently a friend died, and his mother found my name in his address book, or on his computer, and called me up to tell me about it. Bill was the editor of the Natalie Wood Fan Club News and through our correspondence I'd gotten to like him a great deal. His mother, Sylvia, stayed with him in the hospital after all had fled, unnerved, I guess, by Bill's increasing lack of connection with this, our own world. At one point, she told me, he walked into the dream house from Miracle on 34th Street and told her, "There really is a Santa, Mom." In his last hours he saw her, Natalie, extending her hands to him across a wide blue border, like a ribbon of cloud, murmuring his name, come to me, come to me Bill. "I'm on my way, Natalie," he said, and his mother sat near by and her heart broke in 2 two's. "I've been waiting for you," Natalie said. "I'm coming," Bill said. Natalie smiled, her intimate, glamorous smile, and the screen dissolved the way it does in West Side Story when Tony first sees Maria at the big teen dance. "We don't know much about life and death," Sylvia told me. "We don't know much about what keeps a person alive, do we, Mr. Killian?" "Don't call me Mr. Killian," I said, "Nobody ever calls me that, except, you know, telephone people who want to sell magazines." "She was his whole life," Sylvia said. "And now both of them are gone." --It certainly seems like a careless symmetry.

But here's a tip for getting rid of people who want to sell you magazines on the phone. "Have I reached Mr. Killian?" I always say, "Yes," because you never know. Then it turns out they will send you three years of TV Guide, Car and Driver, Mademoiselle and Sports Illustrated for the low low introductory price of only $49.99.

"How does that sound to you, Mr. Killian?"

The trick is in sounding slow but thrilled at the same time. "It sounds great! But do you have Radio Guide instead of TV Guide? See, I'm blind and I don't watch any shows on TV."<

"Well, I'll check with my supervisor. While I have you on the phone, are you married? Maybe your wife would like Redbook or Cosmo".

"Yeah, but my wife . . . she's retarded."

"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that."

"Yeah, well, you got Highlights for Children, she likes to color. And you say you got Braille Car and Driver?"

"I'll have to check with my supervisor. We'll get back to you."

"Oh please do," I say. "I've been looking everywhere for Radio News in Braille."

Kevin Killian, born 1952, is a poet, novelist, critic and playwright. He has written a novel, a book of memoirs and two chapbooks, He has written for Framework, Artforum, Artweek, etc., etc. With Dodie Bellamy he edits the literary/art zine Mirage #4/Period[ical] in San Francisco. His work has been widely anthologized and has appeared in, among others, Best American Poetry 1988 (ed. John Ashbery), Men on Men (ed. Geo. Stambolian), Discontents (ed. Dennis Cooper) and Wrestling with the Angel (ed. Brian Bouldrey). With Lew Ellingham, Killian is writing a biography of the American poet Jack Spicer (1925-65). He has written many essays and articles on Spicer's work and co-edited Spicer's posthumous books The Train of Thought and The Tower of Babel (both 1994). He and Leslie Scalapino have written a play,Stone Marmalade, on the Orpheus/Eurydice legend, to be published by Singing Horse Books.

Other Books by Kevin Killian:

Santa (chapbook), Leave Books 1995
Brother and Sister Retold from the Brothers Grimm (illus. Brett Reichman), Jonathan Hammer Studios 1994
Shy, Crossing Press 1989
Bedrooms Have Windows, Amethyst Press 1989
Desiree (chapbook), e,g, Press 1986)

Awards and Honors:

1996 The Fund For Poetry Grant
1995 The Fund For Poetry Grant
1993 The California Arts Council Award for Fiction
1990 Nominee for Best Novel (Shy) Lambda Literary Awards